If you’re looking for one of the most disappointing steakhouse experiences of your life, look no further than Antonio’s Steakhouse on John St., just south of the newly opened Fish Market.
Catering to a student audience, this restaurant brings in a life-changing assortment of flavourless dishes that make you question why you ever even bother eating. The potential of food being this bad will turn any adventurous foodie into a pasta-with-butter-everyday fiend.
As soon as you walk in you are greeted by the magnificent wait staff, who quickly seat you at a table seemingly meant for a large party. It’s meant for you. Just you. Any other guests you brought along will be asked to wait in the lobby until you finish your meal.
As soon as you see the menu your jaw will drop. We’re talking 16oz Wagyu beef steak for $10, 32oz 60-day aged prime ribeye for $15, and a wide range of salads for $40 a piece.
Naturally, I went for a salad – it is a steakhouse after all!
It was a traditional caesar salad with a vegan twist.
A highly interesting medley of romaine lettuce, tomatoes, carrots, croutons, vegan ranch, lavender and, last but not least, sand.
Needless to say the salad was drier than an oasis in the desert and more flavourful than a piece of cardboard covered in tomato sauce (AKA gluten-free pizza).
The sand added a strong crunch to every bite that the croutons just didn’t quite provide. Insufficient dressing made the salad even drier – more so than a swimming pool in the middle of the summer.
For dessert I had the 16oz filet mignon, but was disappointed at the lack of sand which I had grown accustomed to, so I sent it back.
At the end of the meal my friends were waiting for me, starving and begging me for any leftovers I might have from my tedious 14 hour meal (they had been locked inside the restaurant by the manager about halfway through my meal after my friend Greg attempted to escape leave).
After thanking the wait staff and leaving a 4% tip (followed by a 15% tip then a 20% tip after a series of angry glances by the knife-wielding head chef) I ran out of the restaurant with my friends never to return.
Rating: 2/17
If you’d like to try Antonio’s Steakhouse for yourself I suggest you don’t.
Happy 4th of July April Fools!
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